The Life and Times of a Failure

To be young again...

2009-05-17T20:07:00.001-07:00

I haven't written a damn thing on this blog in a while, so here's a quick update of the success and failures I've had thus far:
Fails-
1. Have not dropped down to my target weight. Dropping 20 pounds from December to the start of Feb caused my weight to plateau, meaning I will not lose another 20 by my birthday.
2. Constant infighting with the girlfriend over things that happened. I dont know if I can get over it, maybe I'm not at a point where I can. You make your own luck, I remind myself, I just made my luck while others missed out. Still, sucks for this guy to feel this way.
3. I havent done much packing at all, no sorting to speak of. 10 days away from moving too, what fun this is proving to be for me being gone all the time.
4. None of my writing goals have been met by a long shot. Fucking shit.
Success-
1. I'm getting stronger and faster. While I may not be burning the fat I was, I'm at least getting more upper body strength and more endurance in my legs. Yay!
2. I get to hold someone I love a couple days out of the week and be silly with. I'm never happier when I'm in my good states with her.
3. I have a new place to live, which will relieve so much stress (for the next two months at least, then the fun begins again)
4. I'm writing. Not a lot, but I'm creating new stories and ideas. The graphic novel idea is going quite well, need to talk to Rex about it.

Wasted Potential

2009-04-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be 23 in 46 days.
23.
I wrote down the list of achievements I wanted to have completed by this time that I did back in high school, its called a 5 year plan.
I thought highly of myself, so it would seem.
I had a one year plan, which I matched easily. I wrote my book up to about 120 pages, but did not have a syrup chugging contest, so thats a good thing. I knew myself well at 18, but lets see how my 5 year plan is going?

----
At 23 I wanted to have-
1. Bachelors Degree
2. Done with 2nd novel
3. On best sellers list
4. Be Engaged
5. Own my own home
6. Be happy
----

I’m not going to tear myself down for missing not just one or two of these, but all 6. I batted an amazing 0% on these.
The bachelors degree I decided to forgo, because I’m a headstrong fool wanting to blaze his own trail in a world where a piece of paper gets you a job over someone who doesn’t have the same thing.
The 2nd novel, sadly is the thing that seems most likely to happen, if I bust my ass.
On the best sellers list? Yeah, that will happen in the next 46 days, right after my orgy with the girls from “Girls Next Door” while a random woman throws hundred dollar bills on the bed.
Be engaged, that would have been a reality, had my ego not inflated itself to the point of too big for its britches. It could still happen, depending on a lot of factors. But it probably won’t, because I cant get over things that hurt me every second of every day.
Owning my own home? Could happen, provided I sell everything I have and completely change my spending. But, who knows if I will do that anyway and move to Australia.
Profound, the last one is. Be happy? What is the measure of happiness? How many decimals there are in the bank balance? Push ups done in one stretch, or maybe crunches? Maybe happiness is the arms of someone else? Maybe its in your own hand?
If I had to relist those 6 things in order of likely to least likely to happen, it would be as follows
----
1. Done with 2nd Novel
2. Be happy
3. Own my own home
4. Be Engaged
5. Bachelors Degree
6. Best sellers list
----

I suppose I should be grateful I have my health and enough money to avoid too much trouble.
I’m only 23, its not too bad I suppose. I’m sure that if I apply myself, I can get at least one or two of those 6 done in 46 days. We will see.

Something I've done before

2009-03-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Texas for a week on Wednesday.
Oh, I've also decided to update this blog more often.
Like I mentioned, I'm going to Texas. Its going to be a blast. Through the shit that I've been dragging myself through that is far too personal for me to mention on a slightly public blog, I get to sleep on relatives couches and eat bbq while knocking back a beer or two.
It will be healthy. I'm driving back up with my aunt and uncle who are going down to visit my cousin Kari, it should be fun. I've learned taht 18 hours in the car with anyone makes me homicidal so we should be in for a trek.
But the main thing I'm excited about, oddly enough, is my layover in the Detroit Airport. Let me explain before you look at your screen and become disgusted by me. I love it because I've written a scene about it. I've sat down and created scenes in the airport that was the start of one of my first short stories, where a writer meets a beautiful woman who happens to be an actress who he isnt very aware of.
It was based off a dream, but I found that the airport was a beautiful place to start it.
I'm going to walk the concourse a few times, placing calls to someone who probably wont answer because they are mad at me and its just plain too early, but I'll be keeping notes about the place, in case I ever go back to that story.
I can only imagine what the next month has in store for me. Is it more heartbreak as soon as I started to mend mine? Will everything go back to how it was, or go to a better place?
I do not know. I just know that I'm sick of the thoughts that run through my head and will work to push them aside. It is not healthy to focus on the negative.
I'm going to try to get some writing done too, to make it all better for me.
I'm slipping back into my depression, I've noticed. Hopefully the reading and writing and potential publishing opportunity will help put the kibosh on the decline. Of course, if I stop it now then I'll have to keep stopping it and I wonder if I have the energy for it.
I do.

An open letter to all people with pets

2009-01-11T21:28:00.000-08:00

I thought about going left, but I turned right. Well, initially I had thought about staying behind an extra minute but my coworkers were still letting their cars warm up as I backed up, although both of them began to back up as I started down the road. I thought for a moment, left was the longer road, past Wal-Mart and my bank and lights and more lights, easily another three miles onto my trip, probably around four or even five. So I put on the blinker and turned the wheel to the right, gently accelerating through the well traveled snow.
I had considered not even getting gas, just to get some in the morning when I went to cash my check. But the needle was a sketchy young boy and the E was my daughter, and he was getting just a little too close for my comfort.
The gas station was empty, except for the mom in the minivan filling the tires with air, or the SUV that pulled in behind me. Oh, and the truck with the snow plow that dropped the plow down on the cement that startled me and the guy filling the SUV as it began pushing less than a cubic foot of snow from one end of the pumps to the pile of snow at the exit.
“That scared the shit out of me,” the man at the SUV had said figuratively, otherwise I don’t think he would have brought attention to his recent unwanted bowel movement.
I nodded in agreement, it sounded almost like a gun shot.
My hand released the pump after about 8 gallons, little over since the gas was about 1.92 a gallon and the bill was about 16.68. I got back in my car as the SUV passed me, he apparently did not have a boy dancing very close to his daughter.
I called my friend and left a message, and hung up.
I passed the drug store and the post office and began up the hill. I had a church to the right of me, a church to the left.
The radio wasn’t blaring. I wasn’t changing a CD or fiddling with the stereo. I was going about 5 under the limit.
I blinked.
The dog seemed to appear in front of me like a snow flake, running, it seemed almost at full speed down the middle of the lane, his light coat matching the whitish slush his paws happily ran through.
Dog’s cant smile, but for the split second I saw its face, the dog seemed to be smiling.
I slammed the brakes, but still heard a thump. The smile had been wiped away as the dog slide across the road.
My car had stopped moving, my foot firm on the brakes, my eyes focused on the poor creature. I don’t know what possessed me as I put it into park and turned on my blinkers and turned off the radio.
I don’t know why I turned off the radio. It seemed strange for me to reach over and smash the power button as I opened the door, but it was a strange situation.
A green car, longer than mine, had stopped in the turn lane and a repair van with ladders sat idle with its lights flashing. The green car’s owner walked back to her backseat and pulled out a blanket which she tossed over the dog while the repair man and I stood by, wondering what to do.
“Is it dead?” I asked, I don’t know if I was audible to anyone other than myself.
“I think he’s gone.” She said.
But then his chest rose and fell, and his leg twitched.
“He’s still here.”
The repair man was in a better mental state than myself and leaned down to help lift the dog up into the lady’s car.
I walked back to mine after they closed the door and she said something about going down to the vet at the end of the road.
I remember as I walked to my car looking down the road to the lineup of cars, stretching easily 15 long. I couldn’t have followed if I had wanted, I could have tried to get her number to follow her but like I said my mind wasn’t all there.
She asked a passerby if they were looking for their dog, they replied no.
I sat in my car and my hands were gently shaking. I put it into drive and began down the road again, unsure of the etiquette that follows a situation like this. I stayed about 20 under the limit the majority of the way home. I don’t remember passing anyone on the road after I had moved past the block’s worth of backed up cars.
I was alone in my fears for a few fleeting moments, until I picked up the phone and spoke of my accident.
“I think I killed a dog.”

Authors note:
Sadly, a dog was hurt prior to the writing of this. I wish I had gone left. I wish I had waited to leave work. I wish I had filled my gas tank completely. I wish, I wish I had not blinked.
Love your pets. Keep them safe. They do not deserve an early death, and need you to watch over them as much as they watch over you.
I dont know why that dog was out in the road tonight, and I probably will never know. I just know I feel remorse for what happened.
I can't rest easily knowing that poor dog was hurt, all because I blinked. I can rest easily knowing that he is in a better place.
Pardon any errors you spot, I wrote this with unsteady hands and a shaken heart.